Master List of Toilet-Using Jokes: “See A Man About A Horse”, “Pinch a Loaf” Etc

Looking for a sillier way of saying “I need to use the toilet” without being so TMI? Try these out, at your own peril:

“I need to…” / “Time to go..”
I need to powder my nose.
I need to see a man about a horse.
I need to visit your tinkletorium.
I need to spend a penny.
I need to pinch a loaf.
I need to go shake hands with the unemployed.
I need to go shake hands with the branch manager.
I need to go shake hands with the governor (or other politician).
I need to go drain the radiator.
I need to go drain the main vein.
I need to use your litterbox.
I need to see a man about a dog (reply: “a pointer, or a setter?”)
I need to take my book to the reading room.
I need to see a man about a wallaby (said by dentist from Finding Nemo)
I need to put the gold on the crown.
I need to stream like a race horse.
I need to strain the coffee.
I need to paint the bathroom.
I need to wet the willy.
I need to visit the library.
I need to water the garden.
I need to sprinkle my boots.
I need to hose down the back 40.
I need to have a word with the president.
I need to go sit on my thinking chair (Blues Clues reference).
I need to retreat to my study.
I need to drain my dragon.
I need to unwind the garden hose.
I need to take a whiz.
I need to listen to Willy’s cries.
I need to settle and old debt.
I need to drop the kids off at the pool.
I need to drop the [sports team] off at the stadium.
I need to take the kids to class.
I need to make a delivery.
I need to move some dirt.
I need to pay my respects.
I need to submit my offerings at the porcelain altar.
I need to go potty.
I need to go hear Ravopotti and the plopera house.
I need to visit the can.
I need to visit the john.
I need to donate some gold to the leprechauns.
I need to plant some potatoes.
I need to take the brownies out of the oven.
I need to do the squirts.
I need to push some chocolate.
I need to squirt some Hershey.
I need to work it out on my own.
I need to ante up.
I need to access the circular file.
I need to flush away my troubles.
I need to crank out some Ovaltine.
I need to put old [despised person] where he belongs.
I need to lay the beef out to pasture.
I need to visit the WC.
I need to deposit the earnings.
I need to tip the scales.
I need to give the packages to the mailman.
I need to take the corn back for a refund.
I need to tune in to Shart Week.

Others
My teeth are floating.
My eyeballs are floating.
My back teeth are single ‘anchors aweigh.’
The cattle are breaking down the barn door!
Time to help end the drought!
Time to go help Noah!

If you have any more gut-busters, please submit them to ablestmage@gmail.com and I’ll see about adding my favorites =)

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