Master List of Quicker Than/ Faster Than -Jokes

Here is a list of several of the best “Quicker than a..” or “Faster than a..” one-liners that I made up or found online. I was trying to come up with something funny for a Facebook comment about how quickly I would have kicked a romantic potential to the curb based on an action he had taken against a lady friend (installing password trackers on her computer), and had trouble finding very many good ones, so I decided to make my own list!

..quicker than your mother can unbutton her overalls.
..quicker than OP is a f[****)t.
..quicker than [fat celebrity] would sign up for a butter convention (groundhog-at-a-cabbage-convention, etc)
..faster than a cheetah could pounce on a limping [political figure].
..faster than a speeding ticket.
..left faster than a [race] man after hearing the pregnancy test results.
..disappeared faster than a [snack food] at a [diet program] meeting.
..faster than the wife can figure out a way to spend it.
..lost faster than an intern’s dignity at a cigar club meeting
..gone faster than a [container of indigestion remedy/domesticated animal] in a [restaurant].
..faster than a new version of anything by Microsoft needing to be patched.
..gone faster than a toupee in a hurricane.
..disappeared faster than a watermelon in the hands of Gallagher.
..gone quicker than a cheesy poof in the hands of Cartman.
..vanished quicker than [one hit wonder]’s music career.
..sold out quicker than a rainbow-print [clothing item] at an LBGT festival.
..faster than the babysitter’s boyfriend when the car pulls up.
..gone faster than a [expensive automotive item] at a [racial celebrity] concert.
..out quicker than [sports team] at the play-offs.

If you have any to add, please submit them to me at ablestmage@gmail.com =)

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Does the California’s A.B.1461 Bill Allow Illegals to Vote? NO. Here’s Why.

Controversy of late is the signing of A.B.1461, a California bill called the California New Motor Voter Program that critics describe as a method for allowing non-citizens to vote, by registering them when they apply or renew a drivers’ license. However, the text of the bill itself does not even say this.

What the bill does say, is that people who apply for or renew their drivers’ license in California will also be enabled to apply for voter registration at the same time, not that the applications will be granted. Just as you can apply for a drivers’ license and be rejected, so too could someone who does not meet the criteria for becoming an eligible voter be likewise rejected.

1. The bill does not say that once your drivers’ license is awarded or successfully renewed that you automatically therefore receive voter registration. The bill states directly that applicants will not be approved if the Secretary of State deems the applicant ineligible to vote.

2. The license registrar (in this case California Department of Motor Vehicles) is not the one determining eligibility. The text of the bill itself directly observes that the Secretary of State will be responsible for the approval, not the DMV.

3. The bill states under no uncertain terms that approval for voter registration will be strictly awarded to citizens, not all residents, not all registrants, not all people who apply. Part of the listed fields of the application include “all voter eligibility requirements, including United States citizenship” in order to be approved.

4. The bill was not signed recently. The signing was in October 2015, not “recently” from whatever article you read from describes it, unless you overlooked the date the article you read it from was published.

5. Perhaps a misunderstanding of the “ineligible vote” clauses further down is why critics are raising such a stink: the clauses merely state that if there ever is someone who is ineligible to vote who is approved by this process, by mistake, then the burden/blame for the ineligible vote (such as a charge of fraud) would fall to the state itself — meaning that the Secretary of State would be to blame. This increases accountability, not decreases it. The ineligible voter (who had been approved, and by his/her awareness was actually approved) would be innocent of fraud charges unless they knew for certain they were ineligible and attempted to vote anyway. This removes the burden from the applicant to endure criminal charges for a crime they were not aware they had committed, since by all appearances the state had mistakenly approved it — whereby the state itself would carry the burden of being charged with fraud. The bill in no way seeks to authorize ineligible voters to vote.

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SNSD April 2016 Jakarta Phantasia Tour Streaming

There appears to be a temporary stream of the Jakarta
concert for SNSD Phantasia at this link:
http://mixlr.com/fanboysnsd/

It is believed that the reception inside the concert venue is bad, so it cuts out frequently, but appears to be real.

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Master List of “Pirate Kings” Game App Strategies: Not Losing Coins, Etc.

I’ve only been playing the app-game “Pirate Kings” for about a month now, and I’ve already noticed several patterns that make these seemingly completely-random game not exactly random, and have developed a few strategies that could help solve your pain of losing everything when you’re saving for something big:

If you’re interested in trying this game (which I would characterize mainly as a kids game but loosely a mix between a slot machine and resource management, with very kid-silly kinds of graphics, but seemingly fairly advanced CG motion), check it out their official site here.

1. Your spins automatically regenerate 5 per hour, on the hour. My best advice is to only play once every several hours or so, and no fewer that 10 hours between the most recent play (if you’ve exhausted all spins) in order to maximize your free spins per day.

2. The best way to not lose all of your coins from steals, is to only use up your spins until you can buy the next thing. If you spend all of your spins and rack up 2 million coins but can’t use them, not only have you just put a 2 million coin prize for someone else to grab, but you’ve wasted all of those spins you used to get there. If you still have 20 spins left (a) you’re probably not going to get enough coins to buy that huge prize, and (b) saving those spins will make it a lot shorter wait until it gets closer to the 50 maximum so you can try to get enough for the huge prize.

3. Everyone steals and you will always lose all of the coins you have unspent. This is a fact that you will simply have to believe, and once you play with this belief, anything you have left when you return again will just be lucky for you. It’s not bad luck that you were stolen from — being stolen from is part of the game. The luck is having *anything* when you come back.

4. Always steal, even if they are from your best friend or granny or whoever. That’s how the game is played. Your granny can steal it back if they know how to play. Being nice by trying to pick an island from the steal screen you know isn’t granny or whatever, only steals from someone else’s granny. If you’re not comfortable with stealing, then you’re not comfortable with winning.

5. Make sure all of your smaller “island map” prizes are bought also. If you look at the “island map” of islands you have previously filled up, you can hire computer pirates to dig on and produce small amounts of coins automatically that you can randomly collect later at your convenience. It costs each time to buy a miner pirate for those islands, and those costs are usually a bit smaller cost. Buying the miner-pirate for your previous full islands will help keep your total unspent money low so fewer people will try to steal it.

If you have any more suggestions for this list, please send them to ablestmage@gmail.com, and I’ll add them to the list =)

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The Real Irony of Reporting on False Pro-Rape Meeting Cancellation?

Making the rounds today is the story that Daryush Valizadeh, leader of a group of manly-men called Return of Kings, has cancelled a gathering of rape-legalization advocates after not being able to find sufficient secure meeting areas. Ironic, right? Actually, no.

The article that many are reporting as the promotion of rape legalization was just a satirical absurdity, and Valizadeh himself has stated repeatedly that it is just a thought experiment and not meant to be taken seriously. But, naturally, the kind of person who doesn’t fact-check took it as real and continuously makes clickbait headlines like This Colossal Douche Thinks Rape Should Be Legalized instead, seemingly preferring the kick they get from being angry or making others angry.

Normally, if there is a satire site, you can find somewhere on the site that states that the article(s) is/are satire, and nobody reports on those as if they were true. However, the people who are continuously fooled into thinking The Onion is real are laughed out of the park because they don’t bother to check. I’m at a loss to explain how so many people simply refuse to make the same acknowledgement of the same kind of disclaimer on the site they claim is pro-rape:

Q: “Why do you want to legalize rape?”

I don’t. Legalizing rape is a notion so insanely absurd I never imagined that people would take it 100% seriously, including politicians. I don’t believe any form of physical violence against men or women should be legalized. I’ve said that “How To Stop Rape” was a satirical thought experiment so many times that it’s clear to me current misinterpretation of it by the media is deliberate.

The Real Irony

The real irony, is that the false reporters are essentially raping this guy’s message for what it is. They are ignoring his declarations of “no, it isn’t” and believing he means the reverse, and taking out abuse on him for something he never claimed to be true. The people who report that he advocates for legalizing rape, when he doesn’t, are basically saying, “we won’t take no for an answer,” and then paradoxically just doing as they please regardless of what he says.

Next perhaps they may also cry out that such-and-such is a namecaller, despite namecaller being a name the accused is called.

An additional irony could be that the false reporters could be actually in danger elevating the satirical article he wrote to classic literature status.

Famed literary writer Jonathan Swift, known to English teachers across the globe, wrote in his treasured hyperbole, “A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People From Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public” (usually shorted to A Modest Proposal), that children of the poor should be consumed as food in order to support wealthier people, so that those children are no longer a burden on the public good —

“A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout.”

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Linksquib: Apps Like Make It Rain, Magazine-Made Blocks, and Making Trouble

I don’t listen to StoryCorps on NPR very much because most of them seem to be sad — but I did run across one in particular I found quite funny, called Up To No Good. The show itself is generally just brief interviews with random people who have an interesting story to tell. This episode’s topic was about adults recalling stories where they got into mischief, and whether it still affects them today.

Lately I have been hooked on a game app called Make It Rain: The Love of Money (iOS/Android) because it follows in the footsteps of other such “accumulator” (what I call them) games similar to the web browser hit, Cookie Clicker. If you hadn’t heard of Cookie Clicker I must forewarn you, you may blow an entire weekend on it if you’re not careful. There’s not nearly as much story to MIR as CC, but it’s at least a slightly different version than simply tapping the screen — you swipe up as if you’re counting off paper currency from an infinite stack. You start out counting off $1 bills, and once you’ve counted enough you can spend that amount on various upgrades that either increase the amount per swipe, or automatically swipe for you. There are several other kinds of powerups, and can even be accumulated while you’re not even using the app.

I’ve been playing these kinds of games for a while now, and so far have also enjoyed (all iOS, mind you) the questionably-titled Cookie Clickers (unrelated to the web version above), EpicClickers (formerly Hero Clicker), and arguably the best and most advanced app of this kind: AdVenture Capitalist! which I’ve been playing for nearly a year now..

I’ve devised a way to recycle magazines so that they can be turned very simply into a kind of building blocks for structures, although they require hot glue or other adhesive to stack well enough. The basic idea is to (a) tear out a page of a magazine you’re finished with, (b) fold it in half side-to-side so it maintains its original length, (c) fold again the same way, (d) fold again the same way, (e) take a pair of needle-nose pliers and (f) twist one end around upon itself to roll it up, and (g) tape the end to make a neat little cylinder. As I make more and more of these, I’ll make additional posts about structures I’ve made with them — and each blocks only requires a single magazine page. Just imagine how many things could be made, Minecraft-style, with only a single magazine..

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Linksquib: Marginalia, Markov Chains, and the ‘Rein’ of Taeyeon in the Kpop Kingdom

Found a web comic generator called Calvin and Markov that creates remixes of Calvin & Hobbes comics based on something called Markov chains, a concept based on work of Russian mathematician Andrey Markov.

Have had several encounters lately with a recency illusion in real life.. in my particular case, out of the blue I decided to look up why page margins are a thing, because wouldn’t all that space just be wasted? Why not just print to the edge? I guessed maybe that older books might suffer a lot of wear and tear from being transported or stored in less-ideal locations, but actually, it was for purposes of creating marginalia, or notes that a book-maker would use to scribble in notes about the book. Think of them like the DVD commentary track for a movie, except in the margins of a book. The very next day, I was listening to a new episode (s08e01) of Museum of Curiosity, with Holly Walsh as a panelist, who mentioned a fondness for marginalia, and then not but perhaps 2 days later I was watching an episode of QI (M12 “Medieval & Macabre’) that mentioned it.

I am super excited about the upcoming release of Taeyeon’s new music video, Rain, on Feb 3 (Teasers 1, 2).

I’ve been an SNSD fan for a while now, and Hoot was the first MV I got to see on the release day. SNSD holds a special place in my heart because their debut song Into The New World because about that time I’d learned of a nerve disorder I have and was entering my own ‘new world’ at the time. Taeyeon is SNSD’s “kid leader” and has become my ultimate bias over the years, and I am quite excited to help admin the gigantic Facebook group TaeYeon 태연 International Fan Club currently boasting 26,000 members <3

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State of the Dead Sea Blogs Address: Jan 2016

You may notice the site become gradually populated with articles dated for much later than you’re familiar with seeing — or, perhaps you may be unfamiliar with this one and notice that several sites from the ablestmage press appear to be lifted from there and pasted here. I am, however, the person that runs the ablestmage press myself, and I’ve decided to start migrating several of my most popular posts from there to here.

In the early 2000s, possibly around 2001-2004 thereabouts, I had a linkpost blog called the “Dead Sea Blogs” that I posted weird/silly/interesting links to, and I’ve grown to miss those days so I decided to revive it. My previous project at the ablestmage press *(t-a-p) above has started to get bizarrely popular, but I have no way to monetize it since it is hosted by wordpress and they don’t allow ads/etc. If I do manage to add ads one day, they will be preferably quite minimalist if I can help it. T-a-p is starting to bring in hits on a magnitude of 5000-9000 per week, and I thought maybe if I duplicated a few of the best hit-grabbers here I could eventually migrate.

I’m not convinced that it is the ‘brand’ of ablestmage that has become reliable, but moreso the pagerank or search results, since a vast majority of hits all come from search results and people linking articles directly, rather than repeat readership. I realize that I began t-a-p in 2007 and have nearly 10 years of content that contributes to that aspect, so I figure I had better get started now, so that perhaps in 2026 I might be able to draw a slim dollar or two from writing, perhaps even as a living =)

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Did the Largest Rally Against Islam In The History of the World Take Place In France Recently? No. Here’s Why.

Making the rounds is a meme that proposes that you won’t hear from the American mainstream media that the largest rally against Islam took place in France recently — because it didn’t.

“The largest rally against Islam in the history of the world took place in France recently. But you’d never know it by watching mainstream media!” are the words emblazoned accross a photo of a large group of people.

There was, in fact, a massive rally in France against terrorism. It was attended by 3.7 million, and covered by CNN (video included), that took place on January 11, 2015. It was covered by all the major American networks (Fox, MSNBC, CBS, ABC, PBS, NYT, etc.)

So.. why didn’t you see it recently? Look at the year again. 2015. Is that this year? No, it isn’t.

It didn’t take place recently. It wasn’t covered by mainstream media recently because it didn’t even happen recently.

Do you expect a news agency to cover stories, again, and from over a year ago?

The dominating theme of the gathering was “Je Suis Charlie,” being French for “I am Charlie” as the people identified themselves with the victims of the attack on Charlie Hebdo. The emphasis was upon solidarity and unity, against terror in general, not specifically from a single source. Were there people in attendance who were against Islam? I think that sounds entirely plausible, but it wasn’t a dominating theme according to observable accounts.

To everyone that believed this before looking it up, and who was sent here by someone who linked to this article: The fact that you’re willing to believe a Facebook picture or meme without researching it first is indicative of how horrible of a source for information YOU are. You encountered information, and then instantly believed it, because you have a FALSE understanding of the world.

If your criticism is that this story didn’t appear on the “mainstream media” then you have quite possibly the worst research methods ever. Furthermore, YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET. There are THOUSANDS of news sources to check and cross-check, at your leisure — but you, you sit there and complain that perhaps 5 of them didn’t cover something recently, and those news sources that have to squeeze the entirety of world history into a single hour of coverage somehow doesn’t match the mind-boggling standards that make up the impossibly small bubble you live in — that, not only did they actually cover, but it happened well over a year ago AND you complained about it then, too.

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Did YouTube Lower the SNSD/Girls’ Generation “Gee” Music Video from 150m views to 800k? NO. Here’s Why.

Today there has been uproar from Sones, (fans of Girls’ Generation, or SNSD for short), especially on twitter using the hashtag #JusticeforGEE, from the idea that YouTube has somehow reduced the number of views that SNSD’s music video “Gee” down to about 800,000 views, when previously it was up to about 150,000,000.

This is not true.

But here’s the real story we do know so far:

There are two official posts of SNSD’s Gee video, which were posted by SM (SNSD’s publisher) on different official YouTube channels. The video with the 150 million hits was taken down by YouTube based on an unspecified copyright claim, and the one with 800 thousand views is still up. The view count on the 800k video stayed the same.

Link to the 150m-view Gee MV: here *
Link to the 800k-view Gee MV: here
* this address is what the Wikipedia entry for Gee links to as the official video.

SM Entertainment has at least 2 YouTube channels: sment and SMTOWN, both of which have official SNSD videos on them. Both of them have/had Gee music videos, but only one of them was taken down.

The removal is not permanent, it is only a copyright claim. I personally have had copyright claims against my own videos being taken offline temporarily while the content issue was discussed, and when it was resolved as not being my fault, the video was restored with the same number of views still intact. Let’s just wait to see what happens.

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